Too Stupid to Camp
Ted was driving to his campsite and arrived with out his tent or sleeping bag or flashlight. He also forgot his dog and bug spray. He realized that he really did need his “Too Stupid to camp” totem key chain. He saw Larry at the next camp sight with his Wild Cat key chain totem and he knew that Larry would be protected. They both saw bob arrive by helicopter with only a back pack. They both wondered what store he had bought his totem key chain at and which animal he had picked. Bob walked by with his key chain and they noticed that it was just a block of wood. Bob then entered the woods with just his back pack, ready to go…His dog started barking, alerting Bob of the wild boar that he had caught for Bob. Bob looked as if this was another normal day of survival. He knew what to do at all times. Ted looked at Larry and said, “Do you want to play cards?” Ted remembered that he had forgot is gun. Hey, Larry, did you remember your gun this time?
Ted wondered if he was going to die a helpless death in the woods because Bob decided to show up. He knew in his eulogy that Bob would be blamed for his death. Ted imagined that the cause might not ever be understood, not even Ted himself could picture what could happen, but he definitely knew that Bob would be at fault. Ted just wanted to play a card game. Why did he have to remember all of these things just to go camping? He wondered why Larry had a key chain totem and a gun. They said at the store that the key chain would suffice for the survival part of being in the woods but he did not want to spend $2.95 on the lizard key chain or the turtle key chain. He wondered if the key chains had certain degrees of protection like the SPF in tanning lotion. Ted was staring at Larry while he was thinking about all of these ideas and Larry was still staring into the woods, vacantly but troubled. Bob all the while was not understanding how his actions had affected these men. He was so happy that his dog decided to follow his teachings about killing wild boars. He knew that he had done the best job possible for that homeless dog that he had found on the road. He knew that he was the best option that dog had ever had. He knew that all people would see him as benevolent. He had the coordinates of where he was supposed to be memorized from the picture that he had studied on the helicopter on the way here from all of the hidden places in this world that everyone on earth had wanted him to be at. All they had to do was to give him the coordinates and he was there in a jiffy. He was quietly humming to himself a happy tune of solace and prosperity when a wildcat came out from behind a tree and threatened his hard earned journey. He heard his dog, who was standing to his left, drop the wild boar and start growling. He knew that he hadn’t become a world wide recognized weight lifter for nothing, and he got to work.
Larry looked at Ted and frustratingly said, “Why do I have to remember everything?” Larry knew that if he did not think of something else he would well up with exasperation about how that guy Bob decided to show up in some random helicopter! How could Bob not have a special animal key chain?! Everyone needed one because the television said so in all of those advertisements on at 1:00 in the morning when he was up eating Cheetos because he needed them for his blood sugar. Larry looked at Ted and said, “We are not going to be beaten by Bob! We have to follow him and show him that we belong out here, in the wilderness, and we can do whatever we choose. He has to acknowledge us and admit to us that we are the ones who know what we are doing. Right Ted?” Ted looked at Larry feeling perplexed and worried that their vacation might take longer than expected, especially if they could not find Bob in these woods. He thought about the wild boars but he knew that his friendship with Larry was on the line and said in a strained voice, “I agree we have to find Bob. Just let me get my stuff.” He looked at Larry and Larry rolled his eyes at Ted and started walking into the woods. Ted ran to catch up with Larry and said in an embarrassed tone, “Oh yea I guess I forgot the bug spray. Do you have any?” Larry said, “Gosh darn it Ted, just remember your key chain!” Ted said nothing to Larry about how he did not have his Too Stupid to Camp totem key chain.
Bob knew that he had to allow his dog to distract the wildcat so that he could run at it head on in order to terrify it if he was going to survive. Bob had trained his dog to recognize the nod of his head to know what to do so that his dog would know to attack the wildcat right at eye level, then Bob could come in and attack the legs of the wildcat at the same time. He wanted to get him into a heap so that he could grab his rope and tie the wildcat up. When Bob and the dog charged at the Wildcat he could hear that the Wildcat was fearful of this attack and it tried to run away. Bob was worried about how the sharp nails would impale him and his dog but he had to save his life and his friends life who he had saved from the street. Bob had luckily remembered to wear a canvas vest and had created a canvas vest for his dog in case of any animal attacks. Bob quickly grabbed his rope and tied up the cat just like when he learned to rope calves on the ranch that he grew up on. He used a special knot that could be undone very easily. His dog had a hold of the cats neck so Bob was able to put a rope around his mouth and then tie that to the rope on its legs so that he would be hunched over. The wildcat was hissing and clawing as much as he could get of Bob and his dog which was a lot. Bob was luckily not frightened at the sight of his own blood. Bob then noticed a cliff and so Bob carefully pulled the cat over to the side and lowered him down inch by inch carefully into the ravine. Bob then climbed halfway up a nearby tree and un-knotted the knot so the cat could run away freely down into the ravine. The plan worked and Bob felt so relieved he heaved a sigh of relief that he and his dog were safe. Ted and Larry were quite a distance away when they heard the cry and hiss of the wildcat and the dog barking and yelping. They looked at each other and started to run carefully toward the noise. They came upon the situation and saw how Bob and his dog saved themselves from the wildcat and then were able to relocate the animal safely into the ravine. Ted wondered if he could borrow the block of wood that Bob had for a key chain.
The next morning Ted and Larry, who had not slept well on the ground in the leaves, smelled bacon and heard the crackling of oil in a pan in the distance. Larry looked at Ted and said, “What can we do today to really convince Bob that we know what we are doing?” Ted felt cold with dew from the early morning and felt ants crawling on the inside of his red shirt. “We could try and talk to him if we can catch up with him.” Ted stated. Larry said, “Well I don’t want him to know that we are here!” Ted wondered to himself how they were going to let Bob know that they belonged in the woods. Ted said, “Then how are we going to tell him about what you said yesterday?” Larry looked perplexed and frustrated. “Do you think that Bob is cooking that wild boar that his dog killed yesterday?” Just then they heard a gun shot in the distance. They rolled off of the ground and sprung into action but Ted ran into Larry and they both rolled back onto the ground. They grabbed onto each other to steady themselves so that they could stand to run again. They heard several more gun shots. They decided to both hide behind a tree and wait for a while. Larry whispered to Ted, “I wonder if Bob shot that gun or if that is someone else, Ted. What are we going to do?”
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